Recognising the subtle signs of controlling and abusive behaviour can be confusing and difficult to spot so here are some clues:
- You constantly worry about your partner’s reaction to things you do or say
- You feel like you can’t do anything right, your partner constantly criticises you
- You question yourself all the time – your decisions, your judgement, your abilities
- Your partner sets the rules and you know if you break them there will be a punishment
- You don’t have access to your own money or you have to justify all your spending
Controlling behaviour is designed to punish you, frighten you and maintain a sense of control over you. It destroys your confidence over time and ensures you lose a sense of who you are. It’s all designed to stop you from leaving and speaking out about how you feel.
Devil in disguise
However, they aren’t horrible all the time – why not? Because if they were, it would be easier for you to leave. They lure you back in with promises to change, by giving you hope that things will get better and giving you the positive attention you they have previously denied you.
This won’t last long before the cracks begin to appear again and they return to their old ways. In fact, their behaviour often gets worse – they become braver because last time you didn’t leave so they become more confident this time and before you know it you are back in the sae position as you were, or worse..
What will the future look like?
That’s up to you. You can stay with them, hope that miraculously things will change, keep making excuses for them, giving them the benefit of the doubt, blaming yourself. It’s your life, your choice. However, ask yourself these questions.
What makes me believe this time is different?
If they have made promises, do you really believe that they will follow through with these – and not just for today, but longer-term too?
Do you really believe they are sorry for how they have treated you or are they simply feeling sorry for themselves?
Do you believe they are capable of recognising how their behaviour affects others and are they really willing to put the work in to change their behaviour?
If you need support to work through your decisions, get in touch or read more in my book ‘Recognition to Recovery’ https://amzn.to/3IOcgh4.
The first step to happiness is taking control back over your future. Only you can decide what you want that future to look like.
