Change is difficult, many of us hate change. We prefer to live with certainty, even if that certainty makes us unhappy.
Even when your relationship is abusive it is what you know. You know when your partner gives off a certain signal – starts tapping their foot impatiently, huffing and puffing, when he gets that certain look in his eye – you know what is coming. An argument, a ‘put down’ an excuse to justify his abusive behaviour. Yet we stay. There are a million reasons why we stay – children, finances, housing, fear to name just a few.
Fear of the unknown is a big thing but actually if we find out the facts and get our information about our Rights then we often realise that that fear is unjustified. Lies are one of the tactics abusers use to keep us in the relationship – telling us nobody will believe us or help us if we leave, telling us they will get custody of the children, telling us that we won’t survive without them.
Actually plenty of women do survive and actually they thrive. Leaving could be the best decision you ever make. By getting clarity on your options and Rights then you can start to think about making decisions – this puts you back in the driving seat. You can become proactive rather than reactive.
You can start to rid yourself of the negatives in your life and start to find some positives – maybe you could live in a different area? Maybe you could rekindle those friendships you lost along the way?
Maybe you might have to return to work to improve your finances, but why not consider a different career? Getting back to work after some time out can be daunting at first but it can also open up a whole new world – new friendship groups, it can help you improve your confidence and social skills and give you structure and financial independence. Spending your own money that you earned without having to justify it to anyone is a very empowering feeling.
Yes you might have to downsize, but it could be to a property of your choosing . Whether you live in a castle or a flat the most important thing is that you feel safe and secure at home. Home should be where you can relax and chill out with your friends, family and children – it shouldn’t feel like a prison.
Your children may have to move school if you can no longer afford the fees. Children may struggle to understand this at first, but they will adapt. They can make new friends and have a fresh start too. Schools are very understanding if you explain your situation and can offer counsellors at school and ensure the staff keep an eye out for children and young people who are struggling and you won’t have the stress and worry about whether your child is going to be at school this term or not.
I have seen many couples battle over the most trivial items during separation – who gets the paintings or the kitchen crockery is not the ‘be all and end all’. Consider the bigger picture and move on. You can choose your own things for your space now – have everything pink and girly if you fancy it! You don’t have to put up with your ex’s choices any more. Holding onto items that you associate with negative memories can prevent you from moving on, and holding on to resentful feelings because your ex is coming out of the relationship with more than you will leave you bitter and serves no useful purpose.
Flip it round – embrace the change and think of it as the first day of the rest of your life. You are in control and can make your life bigger and better than before. Think how amazing that could be…!
