Yesterday I was watching Lorraine on GMTV https://www.itv.com/lorraine talking about domestic abuse and she mentioned a phrase that a previous survivor of domestic abuse had described:
‘I wasn’t bruised on the outside, but I was black and blue on the inside’.
This phrase literally blew me away. It was the most accurate description I have ever heard of coercive control and how you feel as a victim.
Not so obvious
I, like many other victims, didn’t have black eyes, bruises, physical injuries, but the emotional injury was just as bad. The internal injuries – the self-blame, the complete lack of confidence and trust in anyone, the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, the constant ‘beating yourself up’ ruminating over the names you have been called and the constant criticism of everything you try to do and fail at, is hard to shift.
When you get told you are rubbish, you feel rubbish. When you are told you are weird, nobody will believe you, you are exaggerating, you are to blame, etc etc , it’s hard to speak up. It’s hard to describe what is happening and how it makes you feel.
5 things to remember
- There is no excuse for abuse – NONE.
- Just because it’ s ONLY emotional abuse doesn’t mean it’s ‘not that bad’. Words and negative comments stay with you – bruises can heal quickly, but what someone says to you can stay with you for a long time afterwards.
- I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to believe the things you hear – they are lies and put-downs designed to tap into your vulnerabilities and insecurities and make you less likely to leave. Just because they say horrible things, doesn’t make them true.
- You won’t get stronger by staying with the abuser or trying to change them. It’s hard to build yourself up when someone is constantly putting you back down. It doesn’t matter what you do, the problem lies with them and that behaviour is very hard to change.
- If you tell someone your secrets early on in your relationship before you really get to know them, don’t be surprised if they then use them against you further down the line. Abusers are clever and manipulative and know how to tease things out of yuo that they can use against you when it suits them – keep your boundaries up at the start of a new relationship.
How you can evidence non-abusive behaviour
There are several ways to evidence emotional abuse and controlling behaviour:
*witness statements from others who have seen you deteriorate or withdraw from them or witnessed verbal abuse
*bank statements showing withdrawal of funds or lack of control over your own finances
*medical records, emails, phone records, photographs, diaries
*body worn camera footage from police and CCTV footage
What you can do
Coercive control is illegal in the UK but whether or not you decide to report to police, help is available.
It is important you get the right advice from a professional before making any decisions.
You CAN put this behind you and thrive again. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how long you have been in this kind of relationship, it IS possible.
You can get help here:
info@caronkippingcoaching.com find more advice in my other blogs and here: https://caronkippingcoaching.com/welcome-pack/
The Dash Charity: https://thedashcharity.org.uk/pages/15-services
Women’s Aid: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
National DV Helpline: 0808 2000 247
‘‘ True love is built on free will and free choice, not control and manipulation.”
