I had a lovely conversation yesterday with the very lovely Jo Hall from https://www.lessismore.online/
Jo has clients all over the world who invite her in to their homes virtually or in person to help them sort, tidy and de-clutter their homes. Jo has over 30 years of experience helping people sort their homes out and also their mindset when it comes to how they think and feel about their personal possessions.
Getting rid of negative memories
Possessions trigger memories – of when you bought that object, who you bought it with, perhaps a moment in time that was or wasn’t particularly happy for you. We look at an ornament, a rug, a chair or something in our home and we remember a scenario and a person. It may be something you bought on honeymoon, it may have been a wedding present, it may be an object you never particularly liked, but your ex did.
Jo suggests that when you are trying to move on after divorce, make yourself a promise to have nothing in your home that doesn’t bring you joy or isn’t useful. Whether you are still in the marital home or not, you are trying to move on to the next chapter of your life – your home should be your sanctuary and your safe space, so make sure when you look around your home it is full of things that you like. If you are moving home after divorce, do the de-cluttering before you move, so you only take items with you that you like wherever possible.
Where to start? It can feel overwhelming if you have to pack up a whole house and move and you have never done it alone before. Get help and support – enlist friends and family to help you. Start in one room, in one corner, and focus on that area then move round the room until that room is finished with. You can also enlist the help of professionals like Jo or home movers such as https://thehomemover.co.uk/ to help you.
You can also re-frame the memory to make it a better one. If you don’t like the thought of having to think about your ex every time you look at the rug you bought together on holiday, but you really love the rug, re-frame the memory. Focus on the memory of the shop you bought it from, the smells you remember, the pattern and colours of the rug that you love and choose to remember the good bits of the memories.
”I have things that we bought together when travelling. I don’t want to remember the holiday because looking back it wasnt particularly a happy one, but I did love the experience. I am going to focus on my happy memories of that time rather than the unhappy ones.” – Jo, Reading.
Where do you put everything?
For items that you want to keep but don’t want to see every day – such as wedding photos, family photos, mementos that the children may want in future, etc. put them away in a box. Write a list of the items in the box and stick it on the outside so it is clear what is contained – that way you don’t need to go rummaging in future if you do need something. Put the box in the loft, garage or give it to a friend or family member to store for you so you don’t have to look at them every day. If children want to have photos of your ex, perhaps they could have a box for those things that they keep in their room and add to or put up one or two photos in their bedroom.
Don’t keep your wedding dress – it is highly unlikely your daughter will want to wear it (as much as that can seem like a nice idea) . Donate it to a company likehttps://www.facebook.com/Dresses-For-Angels-948285148584425/ who will turn it into a beautiful christening gown or donate it to Oxfam: https://onlineshop.oxfam.org.uk/bridal/category/bridal?N=4131982658&Ns=product.creationDate|1&Nr=AND(product.active:1,NOT(sku.listPrice:0.000000))&No=0&Nf=&Nrpp=30, somebody else will benefit and can create a new happy memory from your dress.
You can also sell the items you really don’t like any more and use the money to buy something you do like!
One of my clients told me recently her ex used to insist on buying her designer handbags but she was never really bothered about things like that, so she sold them and used the money to buy something she did like instead!
Start getting excited!
Things have changed for you – you may be forced to move out of your marital home or you may have chosen to because you want a fresh start. You may be living in a rented property for a while until you make a firmer decision about where you want to settle. It may not be your dream home, it might just be your home for right now, but that’s ok, but whatever it is and wherever it is, it is your chance to start again.
No matter what the scenario, start to get excited about the next chapter in your life.
Move the furniture around in your home if you have to keep lots of items that you need. Put throws over the sofa and buy some new cushions to make it look different. Paint the walls, buy new bedding, re-position furniture to give your home a different feel. Doing these things will really help shift your mindset and help you to start looking forwards. simple shifts are really powerful to change how you feel about your home.
Create a vision board – look on https://www.pinterest.co.uk/ for inspiration. There are loads of home accounts on Instagram too if you need ideas. Write some positive affirmations on the board too to inspire you.
Start buying items for your new home – it may not be your dream home, it may be smaller, but find the positives – less housework, you may feel safer and more secure in your new home, it is your home – nothing to do with your ex. They have no control over it. Think about the things you didn’t like about your previous home and find the positives in your new space. Who you have in your home and the things you have in it now are completely up to you! If you want to play your music loudly or you want to have more ornaments in your home when your ex previously never allowed this, well you can!
Creating a calm
Jo swears by plants for making a house feel like a home. She has 150 of them! You don’t need to have quite that many but a few dotted around can really help a space feel homely and watering and tending to the plants can feel quite nurturing and relaxing. I love candles and aromatherapy – I have different scents depending on my mood. Citrus for when I need a bit of energy and calming scents like lavender and musky scents for the evening. The flicker of candlelight helps me switch off from a busy or stressful day and if you have them in the bedroom they can help you sleep better too.
Cosy blankets, throws and bedding can all be very tactile – like having a hug. I am never without a throw wrapped around me on the sofa of an evening! Insprational quotes and prints around your home can also offer little reminders of how far you have come.
Simple changes to change your mindset – try them!
For more information, tips or to book a 1:1 with Jo, go to her website or find her on all the usual social channels.
If you are struggling with your mindset after your divorce, get in touch with me so we can get you focussing forwards!
