This is a tricky one and not just related to weddings, but also to engagements, funerals, graduations, significant birthdays and other milestone moments that will inevitably crop up as the years roll by.
You may have got used to the fact that you no longer have to communicate or see your ex. It might be several years since you last saw them- as your children have grown older and managed their relationship with your ex independently – however, it can still bring about a dilemma about what to do when these milestones happen.
Options
Does your daughter still ask your ex to walk her down the aisle and sit at the top table with you or leave them out and risk a family argument or rift?
Can you bear to stand side by side with smiley faces in your son’s graduation photos?
Do you go to the funeral of your ex’s parent even if you haven’t seen them for years?
Do you ask your ex to contribute to the celebrations?
Choices
These situations are always going to cause a dilemma – there are no easy answers and no matter what you decide to do, there may be someone who doesnt agree with your decision.
Ultimately, the key people in the event should be the ones to decide about what makes them most comfortable – it is their special day after all.
If your daughter would prefer to have someone else walk her down the aisle, then so be it. She could choose her stepdad, grandad, best friend, mum or choose to walk down the aisle alone. Anything goes these days and she doesn’t have to justify her choice to anyone!
If your son/daughter would love for both parents to be present on their special day, try thinking about what that might be like. Forewarned is forearmed! Make sure you dress like you on your best day, put your biggest smile on and imagine that the clothes you are wearing are like your suit of armour – nothing is going to get through on the day.
Can you focus your attention on everyone else, other than your ex, keep yourself busy and concentrate on what matters most – enjoying your child’s special moment. If you hear little jibes from your ex, let them go, it’s not worth it. Show them that you are still showing up, put your brave pants on and get through it. Don’t drink too much – stay in control, take some deep breaths and surround yourself with people who love and support you. Don’t let your ex intimidate you into missing out on something special.
Take control back
You always have choice. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and you don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to just because they happen to be related to you! If you don’t want to go to an event where your ex is going to be, don’t. You don’t have to justify your decision to anyone and you don’t have to put yourself in a difficult situation if you don’t feel confident enough to do so just yet.
Putting boundaries in place is important – your happiness matters too, so don’t do something if it is really going to cause you upset and you don’t have to do things just because it is expected.
If you need advice about a specific situation, please book in for one of my ‘hotspot’ sessions!
