Benita came to see me after struggling to cope – she had recognised she had been in a coercive and controlling relationship and then moved on to another similar relationship. Although she had managed to end both of those relationships, the impact of them had left her feeling vulnerable and lost. Here’s what she had to say in her words:
Difficult Days
Prior to meeting with Caron, I felt very lonely and trapped inside my own mind with dark thoughts, I didn’t understand how someone I loved could treat me such a way and leave me feeling so worthless, when in a relationship I thought, It was meant to feel the complete opposite??
I was in a relationship for nearing on two years and I was very much in love, I mean he made me laugh until my belly hurt, surely that was love!? He showered me with flowers, gifts and although I told him It was too much, and he didn’t need to do it he continued anyway. Laughing every day, cuddles, cooking for each other it was ‘perfect’, well so I thought, following a good couple of months as now what I know as ‘Lovebombing’ things slowly started to change.
Constant criticism
He was changing, he told me that he did not feel sexually attracted to me and he didn’t know why that was – he wouldn’t even touch me and he said that when I kissed him ‘too much’ it made him very uncomfortable. He would tell me this many times, so much so that I would look at myself in the mirror and feel physically sick. Why didn’t the man I love want me?
I would try everything, I would go to the gym every day, but when he saw that I was starting to feel a little good in myself and lose weight he would try to force me to eat things that would make me gain weight. He would push them near my face and when I would say no abruptly, he would tell me to ‘calm down’.
Belittling
There are times that we would go to the gym together and if I was complimented on how strong I was becoming he wouldn’t be happy. He would ignore me and try to humiliate me in front of others – everything was always my fault or I was ‘overreacting’. I found myself apologising every time. This behaviour continued as a theme because when we would meet his dad for dinner I was the butt of the jokes pretty much all evening and I would take it. Anything to make my man happy right?
Slippery slope
My man? Don’t be silly! When I used his phone, I saw messages to other women complimenting them on how beautiful they and their bodies were. I felt sick. I hated myself so much that I would wait for him to go to work and drink alcohol at 10.30 in the morning – I didn’t want to think or feel anything. The thing is he broke up with me 3 times and reeled me back in each time. I used to think I was a mug, but I realised that all I wanted was to believe that he was still the man I knew in the beginning. Sadly I now realise he never was that man.
Leaving
The last time he finished it I packed all my stuff whilst he was at work and left his keys on the work top. I was ready and that was all that mattered. From then I went ‘radio silent’. He sent me a message and although it nearly killed me, I did not respond. I was broken, and I didn’t want to feel this way anymore.
Recovery
Seven months on and right now in this very moment I feel great. I am writing again which I love, and I am really taking this time to find and love myself again. Don’t get me wrong, I know I will have some down days and moments, but with Caron’s advice and support I now know the right tools in managing these moments. When I started with Caron, I would not have any idea on the warning signs and red flags to look out for – now I have a much greater understanding on this subject, and these things will stay in my mind when getting into a new relationship.
Caron has made me feel so much more confidence about what comes next. I have felt nothing but empathy and compassion when talking about my experience.
Advice
My advice to anyone going through a difficult time is this – it took me 3 times to actually leave, and when I left that wasn’t the end. I was left with severe depression, anxiety and on many occasions, I wanted to take my own life. When I look back now, I realise how much stronger I have become, that I am smiling again and that I am beautiful. Don’t waste time on someone who isn’t worth it or in feeling sad about the end of a relationship that wasn’t healthy anyway. They aren’t worth it, but you are!
For more information on the signs of coercive control click here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/
If you want to get your life back on track after a controlling relationship, get in touch!
