Can you spot the signs of coercive control?
If you haven’t watched ‘Marriage’ yet, on the BBC, I highly recommend it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqDfqClfliE
You may not be in the mood for watching other people’s relationships on tv, but it certainly opens your eyes as to why people react in the way that they do, how they manage (or don’t manage) their emotions and how their relationships affect others. It’s a ‘slow burner’ but in episode one I managed to spot 12 – (yes, 12!)signs of coercive and controlling behaviour played out by actor Jack Holden who plays Adam, and who is in a relationship with Jessica.
Spotting the signs of abuse
The warning signs or red flags or whatever you want to call them are often so subtle they are hard to recognise – and of course, the abuser is not abusive all the time, so that makes it all very confusing!
They seep in to the relationship drip by drip, so it isn’t obvious and by the time you do recognise what is happening, you are usually too invested in the relationship to think about leaving.
How many could you spot?
- Salad – Adam ensured Jessica gave him the salad first before she took her share even though he didn’t actually want it and he hadn’t actually asked for it. This shows who she thinks is more important in the relationship– his needs matter more than hers.
- ‘He talks a lot about marriage’ – expressing love and commitment in an intense way early on in a relationship is moving things along too quickly. Trying to persuade Jessica to commit early on is a definite warning sign!
- ‘Adam doesn’t like me to drink’ – he’s already setting the rules for what is/isn’t acceptable behaviour by his standards
- ‘He clearly fancies you’ – a little comment to make it clear he is jealous of Jessica’s relationship with her boss. He assumes he keeps her at work late because he fancies her, not for any other reason.
- Jessica checks in with Adam before she answers – checking her responses means she needs Adam’s approval and is worried about repercussions if she gets it wrong.
- Jessica wants to reach out to her dad for advice but he doesn’t notice. She may well not know how to ask for help or explain how she feels as the warning signs are so subtle but her gut instinct is telling her this is not a healthy relationship.
- ‘He’s very unique – he knows everything about everything’. Jessica downplays his behaviour, excusing it as ‘unique’ rather than controlling. She is hanging on his every word, accepting everything he says rather than listening to her intuition.His put-downs and criticisms may well make her believe she is less clever than him.
- ‘I’ve been feeling bad since I have been at his’ – a sign things are escalating and she is feeling uncomfortable about the relationship
- ‘He says he wants to be with me forever’ – again, using phrases like ‘soulmate’ and trying to hurry the relationship along shows the intensity of his behaviour and need to get Jessica to prove her love and commitment to him.
- ‘How many times to do you have to say goodbye?’ – a little criticism designed to make Jessica question her actions. Next time she might say a quicker ‘goodbye’ or better still she might not see them at all…
- Adam provoked an argument once they leave Jessica’s parents – spoiling the evening, turning Jessica’s attention to him. Adam is clearly jealous of Jessica’s relationship with her parents so twists things to make Jessica believe her dad is threatened by Adam and then excuses it as ‘a man thing’. It also gives an insight into what Adam thinks of the differences between women and men.
- False accusations – Adam accuses Jessica of siding with her dad and compares her to previous ex-girlfriends that were difficult (or maybe they just didnt like his behaviour either!) . He wants to gain her sympathy and make her believe she is the one in the wrong.
All that, in just one episode!! It just shows you how pervasive it is, but subtle too. Jesica’s parents quickly realise they don’t like Adam, but perhaps are not entirely sure why. Abuse isn’t always physical, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok.
If you need help to break out of this cycle of abuse, if you feel you need some deeper training as a professional, then get in touch.
