Leaving any relationship is difficult – being the one to make the final decision, having to have ‘that’ conversation with your partner, there is no getting away from it, choosing to leave someone who has effectively controlled most if not all of your life for some time is scary. Here are some pointers as to what NOT to do if you are thinking of leaving.
- Backing down due to fear and think that it might get better. Yes leaving is scary but what is the alternative? Live for the rest of your days being scared at home on a daily basis, ‘walking on eggshells’, showing your children what it’s like NOT to have respect for your partner? Maybe even getting hurt – or worse still one of your children getting hurt, as the situation worsens and the resentment deepens? If you stay you are effectively giving your partner permission to treat you badly and if nothing changes, nothing changes, right?
Backing off because you are worried you won’t be able to cope, because you are worried you will lose your home, because you are worried you won’t be able to cope alone are all excuses not to take action. Some of them are very understandable but they can all be sorted one by one and are not important enough to justify putting up with someone who is supposed to love you, but who persists in trying to hurt you.
2) Telling your soon-to-be-ex that you want to leave – not until you have a plan in place, that is like a ‘red rag to a bull’. Remember they want to keep their power and control over you, so the very thought of you leaving is going to send them into a panic and that’s when the abuse can get worse as they try to keep that control. Make sure you have a plan of how to leave safely or what support you might need before you tell.
3) Thinking you will be able to keep this amicable. It would be amazing if you could but this would be very unrealistic, seeing as I just explained the essence of your ex’s behaviour is related to keeping power and control over you. It is highly unlikely that once you leave they are suddenly going to accept it and become the perfect co-parent. You will need to keep some firm boundaries in place for quite some time and will need some strategies as to how to do that.
4)Assuming you can get through this without help. It will be tough emotionally, perhaps financially and having a good support team can make all the difference. Speak to friends or family who have been divorced and they will tell you it was probably one of the toughest times in their lives, but also the start of something much better. Reach out to people who can keep you positive and strong.
5)Believing the things your ex says to hurt you – they know exactly how to make you anxious and how to chip away at your confidence. This is NOT reality, just their distorted sense of it. Remember your strengths – if you have lived with emotional or physical abuse you will already be one of the strongest people on the planet, you just don’t feel it because of the effect their words have on you. The more space you have away from your ex, the stronger you will become.
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