This year Christmas will be different for everyone. It may also be your first Christmas without family to distract you from your partner’s behaviour or it may be your first one without your children. You may be forced to live with your partner while you are separating or co-parenting and trying to plan the holidays with your ex.Here are some strategies to help you through and points to remember to ensure Christmas is one you can remember for all the right reasons this year!
Don’t believe the hype!
Not everyone on social media is having the perfect Christmas. People only show you what they want you to see. Just because they show photos of the ‘perfect family’ doesn’t mean they are. They won’t let you know about the downside, people only show you what they want to show you – it doesn’t mean it matches the reality. If you are alone this year, remember the things you disliked about previous Christmasses – at least you don’t have to put yourself through that again!
Put it in perspective.
It’s a few days out of the year – even fewer days this year! If this Christmas isn’t going to be that great for you this year, make a promise to make next year a better one. Pick your battles – let go of some of the routine if you can, make life a bit easier for yourself if you can – you may not be having relatives over this year, so cheat a bit with the Christmas dinner preparation – who will know?! Get outside in the fresh air, that is a great way to ease tension in the home if you feel things are getting a bit much. Let the kids run off some energy and just ‘breathe’…
Distract yourself
Distract yourself from your partner’s behaviour and focus on getting involved with the children’s activities. Limit the alcohol – it can trigger incidents if your partner is abusive/controlling and can make you feel worse if you drink too much. Put on some funny films rather than sentimental Christmas movies – laughing boosts your endorphins and will help you cope better when it’s stressful.
Keep calm
Grit your teeth and get through it the best you can. Say whatever you need to say just to get through it and keep things calm, but if that’s impossible, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Refuges, domestic abuse services, police, are all working and able to respond to you, so don’t suffer alone.
Make a note of this number: 0808 2000 247 , it’s the emergency number to call if in need of advice and emergency help for domestic abuse over the Christmas period: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
Stay out of each other’s way as much as possible if it’s really difficult or invite someone in to your bubble who could help diffuse the situation – sometimes people act more responsibly when they have other people around them.
Give the children some time to ‘chill out’ – let them have some space and quiet away from everyone if they feel overwhelmed. Children need quiet time too, especially if they can sense tension in the home or if they are juggling different rules and activities in different homes over Christmas. My kids have eaten Christmas dinner in their pyjamas loads of times – remember it’s supposed to be fun!
Remind yourself it won’t always be this way – you have the power to change your situation. Think about what you can do to make next year’s Christmas better. Learn from this one and resolve to make next year one to look forward to.
Children and a Covid Christmas.
Children are allowed to transfer freely between parents throughout the pandemic and Christmas is no different. You can have a ‘Christmas bubble’ of up to 3 families between 23rd – 27th December and there is no restriction on travelling within different Tiers. Your children can be part of both parents’ ‘Christmas bubble’s . You won’t have any control over who your children see when with your ex, you will have to trust their judgement on what they think is safe and appropriate – tricky, but this works the other way too. Remember your boundaries – Covid is no excuse for your ex to push those boundaries and start manipulating things again, so stay strong and focussed. Focus on what is important – to help your children enjoy Christmas the best they can under difficult circumstances – always think of what this looks like from their perspective when you are considering your plans and how you react to your ex.
Flip it!
If it means that this year your children aren’t with you on Christmas Day, celebrate it on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead! Flip it into a positive – your children get two celebrations and you get a day to do what you want. Have a ‘me’ day on Christmas Day – a once in a lifetime opportunity to do exactly what you want for a whole day!
Can you join a friend’s ‘bubble’ , maybe they are in a similar situation to you – you may not even be able to meet up due to distance, but can you ‘Zoom’ instead? Strange I know, but this year is strange, isn’t it, so work around it and find what will work for you. Do you want to do something different this year and spend your day volunteering or spending it with an elderly neighbour? There will be so many more people isolated this Christmas and doing something kind is scientifically proven to boost your ‘happy hormones’ – whatever you choose to do, embrace it!
I had one client who had an amazing experience volunteering with Crisis at Christmas last year and another who ate oriental food on Christmas Day after years of suffering a traditional Christmas dinner that she never actually enjoyed! Embrace the change!
Limit the spends
Don’t worry about not being able to afford expensive gifts – if you are going through divorce/separation you will probably have a fair bit of paying out to do. If your ex tries to buy the children’s affection with lavish gifts don’t worry about it – at least it saves you having to buy them! Organise some treats with the children that don’t cost losts of money – bake Christmas biscuits together, build a gingerbread house and get messy, go for a drive to see the Christmas lights and finish with hot chocolate and a Christmas movie snuggled up on the sofa together. If you can’t be with them, create gifts, write letters or make food for them in readiness for when you can see them or to save in case you want to show them in future. What children need are time and love – they are priceless gifts, whether you are with them in person or thinking about them from afar.
Time for reflection
This pandemic has given us all time to reflect on the things that really matter. Don’t let Christmas fill you with dread – think of it as a time to reflect before next year. Do you want next Christmas to be like this? What could your life look like next year instead? What do you need to do to make it happen? Get through this one and then promise yourself you will take the first step to making a positive change.
It might be a different sort of Christmas this year if you are separated, but you can still make it a good one – start some new family traditions , enjoy the little things that you can do now that you could never do before and remind yourself of everything you have to be grateful for. Ditch the guilt if you aren’t able to see your children this year – if it is outside of your control there is nothing you can do about it, it doesn’t diminish the love you have for them in any way. Choose how you want to feel about Christmas this year – which feels better, feeling angry, upset or frustrated or feeling calm, focussed and mindful?
Take some time to think about what really matters – if you need help, contact me and get your session booked in for January – start next year as you mean to go on.
Whatever you do and however you get through it, I wish you a peaceful Christmas . Roll on 2021!
