Lovely Rhiannon Ford is a Divorce Coach based in Surrey, she used to be a Family Law Solicitor and now works to support those clients going through the difficult and often challenging divorce process. Here’s what she has to say about divorcing someone who has narcissistic-type traits.
I work with many clients who have realised that they have been a victim of narcissistic abuse during their marriage and now face the challenge of trying to divorce a narcissist. Being married to one is difficult. Divorcing a narcissist is worse. I want to warn again against labelling or diagnosing your ex/spouse but if you are confident that your spouse demonstrates narcissist traits, then here is my advice on how to navigate your divorce…
The Do’s
1. Expect it to be stressful and expensive. I’m sorry but it is true when you have a very difficult spouse.
2. Get a good support team around you of professionals and friends/family.
3. Work with a counsellor/coach who specialises in supporting victims of narcissistic abuse to get support and tools to manage the emotional aspects.
4. Work with an experienced divorce consultant or coach with expertise and knowledge about narcissism to help establish a good strategy for managing yourself in the legal process.
5. Be aware you will probably need to do parallel parenting rather than co-parenting. Click here to read more about parallel parenting: https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/blog/3-things-you-may-not-know-about-parallel-parenting
6. Remember they know what buttons to press to unnerve you. And they will press them.
7. Know the law is there to ensure you receive what you are legally entitled to and not just what your spouse says should happen. Click here to read more about financial proceedings: https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/PDF-guide-to-financial-arrangements-after-marriage-breakdown.pdf
8. Focus on your end goal of being divorced from your difficult spouse. There is life beyond divorce and it can be happy.
9. Stay strong and focussed. You can do this.
10. Remember not everyone is 100% bad or 100% good.
The Don’ts
1. Get fixated on labelling and diagnosing your spouse and expecting others to treat him/her differently because of it.
2. Think the legal process will “punish” your spouse financially or otherwise for their narcissistic abuse. (There are exceptions to this so take legal advice to find out if this includes your situation).
3. Allow yourself to be disappointed or frustrated in the divorce process when they behave as their normal self. If they are a narcissist, there’s no reason why they would suddenly change now.
4. Choose an aggressive lawyer as this will encourage your spouse to be aggressive themselves. Work with an experienced divorce solicitor who is strong, calm and assertive and works well with the other members of your professional support team.
5. Don’t waste time and energy getting frustrated, angry or upset that your spouse is being difficult. You’ll be mentally and emotionally exhausted in no time.
6. Remember they will want you to think they’ve won AND you’ve lost. This doesn’t have to be the reality though and be careful about it becoming a battle.
7. Forget they will press your buttons and push back harder when they feel they are losing control over you and/or the situation.
8. Don’t give in and over compromise on the financial settlement you reach, just to get the difficult legal process over with. Remember you will have to live with the decisions you’ve made.
9. Always think the worst will happen. You may be pleasantly surprised with how things turn out.
10. Forget the good parts of your ex’s personality.
Rhiannon Ford is a divorce consultant, providing specialist support and guidance to people before, during and after their divorce or separation. With over 20 years’ experience in working with people going through relationship breakdown, first as a family law solicitor, and now as a divorce consultant, her focus is to make a positive difference to people going through a difficult time. You can find out more about her services here – www.rhiannonford.co.uk
Don’t be scared of their roar, know how to defend yourself!
