‘Successful mothers are not the ones that have never struggled – they are the ones that never give up despite the struggles’ – Sharon Jaynes
Let’s face it when you have a child with an abusive and controlling ex, Mother’s Day can be tough. ‘Everyone else in the world’ seems to be getting excited and looking forward to the day, whilst you are dreading it. You may be wondering if you are going to get to see your children on Mother’s Day, whether your celebrations are going to be spoilt or whether your children are going to be interested in celebrating with you at all given the emotional rollercoaster that often continues long after separation.
Mother’s Day like every other celebration in the calendar is just another thing to add to the long list of things you might worry about, so here are a few tips:
Don’t assume all other mothers in the world are having it easy – they are not. My children will clearly remember my meltdown a few years ago when it didn’t go as planned! I threw a strop at the lack of enthusiasm coming from them, spent the afternoon crying into a glass of prosecco, ruminating about ‘everything I do for them’ and how they were so selfish! I don’t know why I found it so difficult that year – the truth is I was probably exhausted, my stress bucket was probably full and Mother’s Day just happened to coincide with it all. What I had forgotten in that moment were all the other perfectly nice days we had shared together and the fact that overall we have very close and loving relationships.
It’s one day – it didn’t mean they didn’t love me or that they didn’t care – they were teenagers . I had to remind myself that their brains physically aren’t programmed to focus on others at that age. Now I focus on being grateful for all the shared moments we get to spend together, not just that one day. I got over it, they apologised and life moved on.
Who says it has to be on the Sunday? Make it on the Saturday or whatever day suits you! You can celebrate time with your children any day. It doesn’t have to be expensive either, it doesn’t have to be stressful, just enjoy spending quality time with your children on your special day, whenever that is.
Let your children decide how they want to help you celebrate – are they old enough to help make breakfast? Could they help with a bit of housework or clean their room to give you a rest? Can they make homemade cards or bake some Mother’s Day cookies with you? Take a look here for inspiration: https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/howto/guide/top-10-mothers-day-treats-kids-make
Why not make them a card to show them how much you love them and share some thoughts about why you love being their mum? Whatever it is, it is your time to enjoy each other’s company and strengthen the bond between you. Let them know how special you feel and how nice it is to feel loved. Children thrive on positivity and knowing that they have helped you feel special will make them feel good too.
If your children are away from you, use this time to work on yourself. You are still a mother whether your children are present or not, so you deserve a treat. Don’t focus on the negatives – shift your focus to the positives. You are a mother, you are as present as you can be. Don’t feel guilty for things that you have no control over or that aren’t your fault. Take yourself off to your happy place or simply indulge in a day of YOU treats – sit with a good book, watch a film, take time to do some meditation, yoga or exercise . It doesn’t matter what it is – do whatever makes you feel better. It’s your day!
Flip it round! Don’t spend your time thinking of what you have lost, flip it round and shift your focus towards gratitude. Connect with some of the other mothers you have in your life – your friends, your family, mothers are everywhere! Share a little kindness with them and it will lift you up too.
Mothers are fierce even when they don’t feel like it sometimes. If you are having a tough day because it’s the first one since your divorce or the first one where you don’t have your children with you, remember you are not alone. Reach out to your support team, that’s what they are there for and never give up hope. Keep being you.
Remember it is just one day – remember your worth, your values and your strength. You are a mother, no matter where in the world your children are and NOBODY can take that away from you. Be proud of all you have achieved under the most trying of circumstances and find a way to celebrate your courage, your kindness and your love for your children.
‘‘A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place NOBODY can take.” – Cardinal Mermillod.
