Sandra Marshall has kindly written this blog to share with you all. With 25 years experience as a family lawer and mediator, Sandra has lots of experience supporting couples who are separating and seemingly locked in conflict as they try to figure out what their future apart from each other looks like.
What is Mediation?
Your relationship has broken down and you don’t know which way to turn. The chances are that at some point someone will say to “try mediation”. What does this mean? Is it relationship counselling?
You don’t want to get back together so why would you talk to a mediator? Anyway, you don’t want to be in the same room chatting after what’s happened between you.
There are lots of misunderstandings about what mediation is and how it can help either at the time of separation or later.
In short, mediation is a way of you and your ex making decisions about future practical arrangements. This is done with the guidance of a mediator who will help you to explore those problem areas like the arrangements for looking after your children and how to separate out your finances. It is not relationship counselling.
Mediation is a voluntary process in which an impartial third person helps those in conflict to communicate effectively, enabling them to reach their own informed decisions about what is important.
Why should I mediate?
Mediation may not be appropriate for you and before it starts your mediator should have an initial conversation with you both separately to check this out. The safety of those coming into the process is a priority. If you have evidence of domestic abuse, you don’t have to mediate but it can be helpful to avoid going to court. Whereas it used to be a blanket ‘no’ for domestic abuse cases, that isn’t always the case these days so speak to your Coach/domestic abuse worker to discuss whether it wil be appropriate for you.
So now the advantages…………
*Couples who mediate and are able to make their own decisions are likely to “buy in” to the outcome and feel able to move on without bitterness.
*Reducing conflict between by using mediation can create a really good platform for future communication. Your children will really appreciate this as it means mum and dad can still put them first despite their own feelings for each other.
*If your children are over 10 years old and you agree to give them a voice then they can speak to a child inclusive mediator. After all, the decisions you’re making are going to impact on them.
* It’s a process that you have control over – you decide what to talk about, when to have the sessions, how quickly or slowly you want to progress and what the outcome should be.
*It’s much quicker than court.
*Oh and costs of course! If you’re going your own separate ways there will be less money to share between two different homes. Mediation is cost effective and legal aid is still available for those on low incomes.
What will the mediator do if there is conflict?
I’ve been working with couples in relationship breakdown for around 25 years. I’ve learnt that the emotional impact of a breakdown should never be under estimated. Everyone has their own story to tell about what has gone before and it’s inevitable this impacts on how you feel about one another at the time of separation.
In mediation you will explore topics which are of crucial importance to you. How often will you get to spend time with your kids? What will the experience be like when you collect or drop off your children? Where will you live? How will you afford to pay your bills? What about the new girlfriend/boyfriend? How will you manage to share the family home until you’ve sorted this out?
It’s no wonder emotions can run close to the surface during these conversations. Here are some tips when dealing with those difficult conversations: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201406/5-tips-tough-conversations-your-partner
The mediator will help the two of you to manage these difficult conversations by encouraging you to share your ideas and your reasons for them. You can also share your worries about the ideas the other person has put forwards. Creating a mutual understanding can help to find some middle ground. You won’t always agree but mediation is about finding a compromise.
Most mediation sessions will last around 90 minutes. If emotions are overwhelming the mediation can be shorter. If it’s difficult to be in the same room with your ex then the mediator can “shuttle” between you. If you feel it would be helpful to have your solicitor with you, then this can be arranged too.
In short, it’s your process and a good mediator should check in with you as to how the process is going and if anything needs to change. The process is intended to be flexible so a slightly different structure may be all it needs to create a manageable and successful process.
Tips for Managing your emotions and the process
Many people arrive at the first meeting feeling a little nervous and apprehensive. Some are angry and upset but are determined to “give it a go”. Once you’ve decided to try mediation you can think about how to manage your emotions during the process. Your mediator is going to be working hard with you and your ex but they will not make decisions for you. This means you need to do what you can to stay as calm as possible so you can find your own solutions.
Tips
* If you find yourself becoming distressed ask for a break
* Mediations usually last for 90 minutes. If this is going to be too long for then talk to your
mediator about the possibility of having shorter sessions
*Take a few deep breathes
*Think about a time when you were happy, relaxed and felt at peace to help calm the mind
*Consider the things you could let go of in order to find a solution
*Prepare yourself for hearing the worst thing could be that your ex could say. What emotional reaction would this cause and how will you manage this?
*Be prepared. Spend a little time before each session thinking about the message you want to get across that day.
*Be organised – collect any necessary documents well in advance and put papers in a file with dividers so they’re easy to find if you’re feeling under pressure. Familiarise yourself with documents and figures before the mediation so you understand them yourself.
*Think about getting some support from a coach or a counsellor who can give you professional support and tools to help you to deal with your emotions so mediation can be as successful as possible
*Source other third parties who might be helpful such as a mortgage broker and/or financial adviser and/or an accountant.
Thanks so much to Sandra for this blog. I am currently working with the Mediators and Domestic Abuse Network to see how we can improve and build on the positives of mediation to support people experiencing domestic abuse, so watch this space!
For more tips on preparing yourself for mediation see Sandra’s website: https://sandramarshallmediation.co.uk/ or contact me if you would like emotional support and guidance through the process.
