Social media is such a useful resource these days – it can help us stay connected with family and friends we struggle to see because of distance or commitments . However if you are in an abusive relationship it can also be dangerous.
In a Controlling Relationship:
You may not be permitted contact with certain people your partner doesn’t approve of – friends or family members or members of the opposite sex. Text messages, Facebook posts etc can all be misconstrued by a jealous and controlling partner – the photo of you out having a good time with friends OBVIOUSLY means that you were drunk and flirting. The Facebook post with the nice message sent by a friend was OBVIOUSLY them having a secret dig at your partner because after all they never liked him and will do anything they can to break up your relationship.
Safety
Abusive people will use any excuse to justify their behaviour so be very careful with social media. Trackers can easily be places on mobile devices without you even being aware of this – take your mobile to any phone shop and they can easily check this for you. Check you don’t have location services on to track your movements or ‘Find My Iphone’ – if these are active they can help your partner track your movements and identify locations where photos were uploaded. There are even Apps you can download and devices you can buy cheaply online that record your partners messages and calls without them being aware. Before you know it your partner can know exactly where you have been who you were talking to and what you were talking about and use that information against you..
We not only use mobiles for calls but for emails and researching information too – does your partner now your password for your email account too? If so be very careful about sending sensitive information or researching via the internet on your phone. If you are worried about your relationship it is worth getting your mobile checked and then you can manage how you use it safely and what kind of information you send and put out on it.
Make sure you have a password on your mobile that is known to you only – if your partner has changed any of these facilities on your mobile or insists on having your password this is controlling behaviour and I would strongly advise you seek specialist support and advice. Don’t change anything on your phone without speaking to a specialist Domestic Abuse Coach or your local domestic abuse IDVA service first.
After an Abusive Relationship
The above information still applies once you have left an abusive relationship. Women have been tracked due to something as simple as leaving their GPS on. If you have moved to a new area away from your abusive partner the last thing you need is for them to find out where you are.
You can feel very alone once you have left your abuser and it can be so tempting to get back on to social media to re-connect with people, to let them know what has happened, or to find out what your ex is doing.
Check your privacy settings or set up a completely new account before you do! I can’t stress this enough. You only want to connect with people that are safe to – this may mean stopping contact with mutual friends for a while, which can be a challenge, but it is better to be safe than sorry. They may unwittingly pass information back to your ex which could make your situation worse. You don’t necessarily have to come off social media altogether but be mindful of who you are connecting with, the information you are putting out and who else might then become aware of it. Remember you can only control what you do – you have no control over what others do and once information is out there it is very difficult to delete it or retrieve it.
If you are going through court for divorce of child contact also remember that anything in writing can be used against you. If you post up statements about your ex does this show you in a positive light? Does this demonstrate you are a responsible parent? It can so easily be turned and used against you so be very careful.
Don’t ‘Facebook stalk’ your ex either. It doesn’t help and will only leave you with negative feelings that stop you from moving on. If you have chosen to leave your relationship then do exactly that – move on. You may have to directly tell friends that you don’t want to hear what your ex has done recently or hear about his new girlfriend. Sometimes they may want to tell you in order to make you feel safe and it can be helpful to have those additional eyes and ears out there, but perhaps ask that only information related to keeping you safe is shared with you and any other trivial information isn’t.
Social media can be very useful to help you find new connections, rekindle old ones and feel connected to the outside world. We use it so often now that when we are cut off from it we feel lost. Use it in positive ways and it can be extremely useful. Just be careful out there!
