Jennifer C Parker has over 40 years experience working with women experiencing domestic abuse. Jennifer is the author of : Coercive Relationships: Find the answers you seek and she kindly wrote this 2-part blog for me. Here’s the first part!
Coping Strategy Traps
Pleasing and placating: The more they get, the more they want. No matter how many times survivors change their plans for controllers, it will never be enough.
Understanding them: Survivors’ capacity for empathy often leads them to see abuser’s behaviour as a result of life challenges.Unfortunately, abusers interpret empathy as evidence they are entitled. Maintaining hope tha tthey will change when there is no evidence for it doesn’t serve survivors well. Many people who do have difficulties choose to grow and changeinstead of engaging in abusive behaviour – absolutely, Jennifer abusive behaviour is a choice – they know what they are doing!
Reasoning or arguing: Abusers feel entitled to dominate so don’t expect rational discussion. They interpret reasonable as getting what they want and if they don’t they will say survivors are abusive. Arguing is also a futile strategy that drains energy. Engaging with them is like talking to someone who is drunk. Think of coercive controllers as being intoxicated with power and entitlement.
Giving abusers a dose of their own behaviour to show them how it hurts: This means fighting back with physical/verbal aggression. This doesn’t work and is dangerous – firstly because abusers are quick to point the finger at survivors and deny their own behaviour. Secondly, it often results in survivors believing the lie that they are just as abusive. Thirdly, abusers will escalate the violence to get what they want.
Stepping stones to healing
Healing from coercive control takes time and effort. Investing in this improves the ability for survivors to move on with their lives.
Responsibility: First they have to shrug off the responsibility for their partner’s abuse, to disentangle themselves from their blame. Coercive controllers choose their behaviour but enforce the responsibility on to others. Everyone has chooices about how they respond to others.Survivors need to see partners for the totality of who they are, not just the good they experienced with them. We can love a person and still place responsibility where it belongs.
Self-blame: Survivors often judge themselves harshly for how they react to abuse, they also ask ‘why didn’t i see it sooner?’. Fight, flight, freeze or fawn (pleasing) are neurological responses to fear. People choose the way of self-protection that makes the most sense for their situation. When survivors have safe environments to express themselves in they can begin healing.
Acceptance: Survivors often resist seeing what is , because it is so painful, instead, getting stuck in ‘why do they do this?’. While recovery includes making meaning of what has happened, survivors have to eventually accept they can’t change. Acceptance is NOT saying you approve, agree or are ok with it. It isn’t forgiveness and it isn’t forgetting it either. It is also not making excuses for them. Acceptance permits the power imbalance to shift. No longer engaging in power play leaves survivors free to refocus onthemselves and what they want. Taking back their power.
Grieving: This necessary stage of recovery is often short-circuited. Survivors may have too much to deal with when leaving to allow themselves this emotion. Sometimes friends and family don’t understand when they feel sad, mistaking leaving as a final stage. Other times they want to avoid all thoughts about the relationship and cut off the grieving stage. It is important to face losses. Healing means freeing one’s emotions, fully processing and releasing them.
Anger: Is a natural, healthy response to being harmed. Survivors are usually told this is unacceptable , so may feel guilty for it.They may also fear their anger may cause them to be abusive. Emotions are not good or bad. People feel emotions, they choose behaviour to express them.
Taking back their lives
When survivors leave, coercion doesn’t always stop. The first step in managing coercive control is building a strong support system. In addition survivors may also benefit from professional help from coaches, therapists and others experienced in coercive control.
For more information go to high conflict institute
