Images of happy holidays and fun, family times in the media can reinforce that sense of loneliness you might feel in the lead up to Christmas. I understand the heart ache that comes with not being able to see your children at special times of the year, I’ve been in that situation and it’s horrible. Believe me though, it’s not all ‘happy families’ – I spent an afternoon around a table recently with various women and every single one was moaning about who they didn’t want to spend Christmas with and how it was so stressful!
Reasons you may not have your children for Christmas
- Your ex may be exerting their power and not allowing you to see them or making it impractical if they live far away. It’s a powerful way to punish you for trying to move on.
- The children have said that they don’t want to see you. They may feel torn between their parents, be worried about being punished by the abusive parent, have been manipulated into not wanting to be with you or simply feel confused and not know what to do for the best. Don’t blame them. It’s not their fault.
- You have separated from your controlling ex and it’s not your turn to have the children for Christmas this year. It’s a common parenting plan after separation to alternate Christmas and it can take some getting used to.
One thing is for certain, if you are a parent and you have come out of a controlling/abusive relationship, Christmas can definitely be one of those tricky times where emotions run high and opportunities to try and ruin Christmas are plenty.
How you might feel
You probably feel a whole mix of emotions – sad, helpless, hopeless, frustrated, angry, disappointed, numb. These feelings are perfectly normal when you are grieving – grieving for the time you are missing that you won’t get back, the memories you are being prevented from making and when you don’t know how to make sense of it all.
Don’t be too tough on yourself. You are in a really difficult situation, one that has not been caused by you.
10 ways to manage Christmas without your children
- The first thing and one of the most important things you can learn to do is let go of guilt. You didn’t cause this, it’s not how you want your Christmas to be, but it’s not your fault. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your children. It doesn’t mean you aren’t thinking about them. It may be something completely outside of your control. Repeat ‘I didn’t cause this, it’s not my fault’ to yourself from time to time as a reminder.
- Fighting it is not always the way to go. Often fighting your ex over Christmas just adds ‘fuel to their fire’ – they know how upset you are about it so they up the control even more. Challenge yes, be assertive yes, but don’t get locked in a battle. If you can only be with them for part of the day, make the most of that time rather than focussing on the time you haven’t got. Sometimes if you walk away from the battle, they actually get confused and irritated by it and offer you more than they did in the first place, especially if they don’t actually want the children over Christmas! If they don’t offer you more, keeping a sense of control and not allowing them to hurt you for the sake of their ego is the way to go. Be the bigger person, do the right thing and step away from the conflict.
- Remember your children are the most important people here. If they are enjoying Christmas, even if that isn’t with you, that’s good. No parent wants their children to be unhappy and at Christmas you want them to have fun, have some sense of being simply a child again, without feeling caught up in parental conflict, try to focus on that. Let them talk about it afterwards, if you give them the confidence to talk about the good stuff, they will be more likely to talk to you about any worries in future.
- If you are worried your children are unhappy about Christmas with the other parent or that they will be worrying about you while they are away, try to give them some tips on how to manage it. Can they call you on the day, give them reassurance that you will be ok, talk about what fun they can have before during and after. If they don’t want to spend much time with the other parent will there be other people around that they can spend time with? Remind them of their strategies and things to do when they feel worried. The more confident you seem about them spending Christmas with you, the less worried they will be.
- If you don’t have your children with you, it doesn’t mean you aren’t thinking of them. Send them their gifts and cards, even if you aren’t sure if they are being passed on or put some money in a bank account each Christmas for them. If you don’t know what they like now, search ‘top gifts for age xx boy/girl’ and you will soon find some ideas or make a mental note of what friends are buying for their similar age children. If you are passing gifts on through your ex, do it simply – arrange a time when it’s least likely to result in conflict, stay focussed, don’t show your ex how you feel, keep calm, wish them a nice time, walk away.
- Try to keep yourself busy – change up your Christmas so it feels different to when you had the children with you. Volunteer on Christmas Day instead – helping others less fortunate can really shift your focus away from your own challenges. One of my clients volunteered here and said she had the most amazing Christmas https://www.crisis.org.uk/get-involved/volunteer/volunteer-at-christmas-in-london/ Get together with another single parent for Christmas, meet up for a dog walk, go on holiday, get yourself out in the fresh air, have a day where you catch up on all the things you can’t usually do if you have children with you, there are loads of ways to spend Christmas differently. It’s not going to be Christmas as you would ideally want it, but try not to sit about thinking about what might have been, it won’t change anything and doing that will just make you feel rubbish.
- Remember Christmas isn’t just about the big day. Christmas starts way before (in October these days it seems!) You can celebrate it before or after the 25th and do Christmas activities with the children on other days too. What kid doesn’t want two Christmasses?!
- Get support from other parents who don’t have their children on Christmas – ask me about joining my private Facebook group, you are definitely not alone! Look at http://www.singleparents.org.uk/ and https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/ If you are feeling overwhelmed call 116123 for Samaritans 24 hours a day or 03003047000 for Saneline 4-10pm. They are there to help you.
- When people ask ‘what are you doing for Christmas?’, try not to say ‘nothing because my ex won’t let me see the children’, that keeps you stuck in anger and frustration. Say ‘the children aren’t with me this year, so instead I’m doing xxx’ – that’s more empowering.You don’t need to go into lengthy explanations – there are loads of single parents who don’t have their children at Christmas, but don’t dwell on it either. Shut the conversation down – you don’t need to justify your situation to anyone. Move the conversation on to something else.
- Hold on to hope. Never give up hope. Just because this Christmas isn’t great, it doesn’t mean that every Christmas will be like this. I have clients who have spent Christmas alone and now this year they are spending more time with their children, something they previously thought might be impossible. Similarly I have clients who are spending another Christmas being blocked from contacting their children through no fault of their own. Your children will grow, they will be able to make up their own mind about what they want to do and who they want to spend time with. Let them know you are here for them with no expectation – if you take the pressure off and they know that you are always there for them no matter what, they are much more likely to come back of their own accord later on. Hold on. Remember you are still a parent and you still love your children. Nobody can take that away from you. Sending big hugs to you all x
I offer emotional support and practical help for anyone struggling to parent with a controlling/abusive ex-partner. Don’t struggle alone. Email me on info@caronkippingcoaching.com
