Letting your ‘soon to be ex’ know that you want to separate is daunting at the best of times, but when you need to tell a partner who is controlling/abusive, it can be very scary. However, you don’t really have an option if you want to move on – they will never do it, because they won’t want things to change and definitely won’t want to let go of the power and control they thive on. So, here are a few tips to make sure you stay safe and take back some control so you CAN move on!
10 Top Tips for having the Divorce Conversation
- Don’t do it until you have a plan. Get ‘all your ducks in a row’ as much as you can before you open up about your intentions. You won’t have all the answers and some of your options may depend on how your ‘soon to be ex’ reacts. Try to have some understanding about whether you want to remain in the marital home, whether you have somewhere else to stay or whether it is actually safer for you to leave without notice. If this is the safest way for you to leave, make sure you get support from your local domestic abuse organisation or myself so we can do a safety plan with you first.
- Practice the conversation beforehand – practice it in the mirror or while you are alone in the car. Practice saying it confidently and assertively – sound like you mean what you say.
- Think through possible scenarios and how your ‘soon to be ex’ might react. do you think they will get angry, go silent, get upset? Think about how you might manage that. Remember you are not responsible for their feelings, walk away if you have to, tell them you are sorry if they are upset, but don’t back down. Focus on you, not them. Let a close friend or family member know beforehand so they can suport you in the immediate time afterwards – plus telling them means you have to follow through with it!
- Think about when is the best time to have the conversation. There is never a perfect time, but doing it at a time when you are already under pressure with family commitments or work deadlines is probably not the best idea. Lots of people have the conversation around the school summer holidays so they can move home or spend that extra time geeting advice and support and settle the children before they return to school in September.
- Try to have the conversation somewhere neutral – in a public place if you can – a busy park, a coffee shop etc. Drive there separately and ask to meet to have an important conversation – this lets your ‘soon to be ex’ know that you mean business without giving too much away. Having the conversation in a public place means that they are less likely to get volatile in public, but even if they do, you will feel safer and will be able to leave the situation easier.
- Try not to let the situation escalate – keep it simple and clear. Say something like ” I have made a decision, I want a divorce. I know this is probably not what you want. I understand this may have come as a bit of a shock and I don’t have all the answers right now, so I am going to leave that with you for now to think over it. ” Short and simple.
- If you don’t think your ‘soon to be ex’ believes you, you can let them know you have seen a solicitor, but don’t spend a long time justifying your decision to them or discussing what might happen next. They will need some time to digest the news – even if they should have known it was coming, they will probably still be in shock and perhaps disbelief that you are actually going to follow through with actions.
- Try to have a plan for the first couple of hours after you have broken the news – stay away from home, go to a friend’s, go to work or the gym or for a walk. Do something to distract yourself and keep busy. You will probably feel a bit shaky as the adrenalin kicks in- that’s a normal reaction and it will pass. This space will also give you time to see how your ‘soon to be ex’ reacts and give you time to make alternative plans if needed before you return home.
- Remember why you made this decision – you won’t have come to it easily, it will have been a long time coming. Expect that your ex is going to get angry, cry, promise to change, make threats, etc – they might go through the whole range of emotions, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that what they say is true or that they are going to follow through with their promises. They are simply trying to find ways to get you to back down and retain the power and the control they have been so used to having.
- Make a promise to yourself to stick to your plans no matter what they do or say and be proud you were brave enough to make the right decision. Nobody deserves to be stuck in an abusive/controlling relationship. This is not your fault. Don’t think of it as a loss, think of it as the beginning of something better!
If you are about to have ‘The Conversation’ get in touch so I can help you through it – it’s really only as difficult as you want it to be – life is too short to be unhappy.
