If you are still in an unhappy relationship, celebrations like birthdays and Christmas can be tough – trying to put on a smiley face in front of children and family can be extremely exhausting. Trying to keep everything calm when you are probably spending more time together than ever, with the pressures of the financial cost of Christmas and the jealousy and insecurities triggered by alcohol can all lead to a simmering pot of tension and stress. ‘Walking on eggshells’, trying to keep everyone happy, nervous energy trying to get through it without any drama can be overwhelming.
If you are separated from your ex
Trying to communicate about arrangements for the children can be fraught, the competition to be the favoured parent can escalate and the fear of being alone over the festive period can seem overwhelming.
However, it doesn’t have to be like this. Yes it is Christmas. Yes everybody on social media appears to be having the best Christmas ever – but are they really..? Don’t believe the hype! People only show what they want the world to see, not the reality. If you can enjoy Christmas – great! If this Christmas isn’t likely to be the happiest you have ever had, put it in perspective – it’s a few days out of the year- think about what you can do to get through this one and how you can make next Christmas better.
*Don’t think you have to spend Christmas with your ex ‘to put on a united front’ for the children. Why not let the children have 2 Christmasses? Who says Christmas celebrations actually have to be celebrated on Christmas Day? Separating but trying to keep things the same can be confusing for children and stressful for you – better to have 2 Christmasses that are peaceful than 1 where everyone feels uncomfortable and awkward.
Not quite separated yet?
If you are thinking about separating from your partner, but not quite ready to take that first step, keep focussed on the children and say whatever you need to say to keep the situation calm. Remember, not all your Christmasses will be like this. Start to think about what you can do to change your situation – don’t act in haste, just make the best of it for now (unless you are concerned for your safety of course, then definitely call 999).
Do what you can to take control – if alcohol triggers outbursts of anger and jealousy, can you find ways to limit this, can you have people around you to reduce the likelihood of an incident happening? Abusive and controlling partners are pretty predictable, so try and plan around this and keep yourself safe.
On your own this Christmas?
If this is your first Christmas without your children, it can feel very weird and lonely. It’s not how you wanted it in an ideal world, but if you don’t have a choice, it’s out of your control. Think about how you can change your perspective. Try not to focus on the negative emotions, flip it round and turn it into a positive. Do something new that you have never been able to do at Christmas – volunteer to feed the homeless their Christmas lunch, https://www.crisis.org.uk/get-involved/volunteer/volunteer-for-crisis-at-christmas/, go and spend time with an elderly neighbour who may be alone, make the most of the time to yourself – have a pamper day, crack on with some de-cluttering while the house is empty and turn up the Christmas playlist! Doing something kind is scientifically proven to boost your ‘happy hormones’ – whatever you choose to do, embrace it! One of my friends volunteered at Christmas and said it was the best Christmas she had ever had! Doing good things for other people keeps the mind busy, boosts those happy hormones and gives you a new perspective on what matters.
Take the pressure off
Don’t worry about not being able to afford expensive gifts – if you are going through divorce and separation you will probably have a fair bit of paying out to do. If your ex tries to buy the children’s affection with lavish gifts don’t worry about it – at least it saves you having to buy them! Organise some treats with the children that don’t cost losts of money – bake Christmas biscuits together, build a gingerbread house and get messy, go for a drive to see the Christmas lights and finish with hot chocolate and a Christmas movie snuggled up on the sofa together.
Make it a fun family challenge – have a ‘sustainable’ Christmas this year – very trendy. Instead of gifts, make promises to each other, or have a big day out together rather than spending money on ‘stuff’ they get bored with by Boxing Day – memories are much precious . Children value the time that is spent with them far more than superficial gifts (no matter what they say!) so keep that in mind and find lots of little ways to make Christmas special.
Think ahead
Don’t let Christmas fill you with dread – think of it as a time to reflect before next year. Do you want next Christmas to be like this? What could your life look like next year instead? What do you need to do to make it happen? Get through this one and then promise yourself you will take the first step to making a positive change.
It might be a different sort of Christmas this year if you are separated, but you can still make it a good one – start some new family traditions , enjoy the little things that you can do now that you could never do before and remind yourself of everything you still have in life to be grateful for. Reassure your children if you can, give them lots of cuddles and make this Christmas the best it can be – whatever that looks like for you.
** Please note I will be away taking a well-earned break from 23rd December until 3rd January 2022 **
